The Key To Metro’s Financial Woes

There’s been talk as of late about the much maligned and for most politicians, wish they could scrap, Prop 91. I will be voting YES on this measure but I’ll be doing so somewhat uncharismatically for I don’t believe this will insure much of anything for public transit’s future here in Los Angeles. For you see, the key to Metro’s financial woes lies not in the state’s hands and their twisting of laws to suit their faulty policies, but in Metro’s own sly, greasy, shifty little hands.

What I’m saying is, why just get paid for a service offered when stealing is so much easier?

About a week ago, before I had my hands on a January Metro monthly pass I was purchasing a one-way ticket at Sunset and Vermont. I had exactly two dollars. The first was pristine and green as if it had just come shooting out of the US mint, arriving in my hands just three or four cents worthless than it was when first cut. The other was of the old school. It was supposedly the same but if looked at casually one would not for a second question that the Canadian dollar is now worth more than this crumbled mass. It had the characteristics of a dollar you tip someone who didn’t do all that good of a job waiting your table. The club wasn’t toasted and your shake never showed up. But being to weak to just not tip or at least tip meagerly, you still give the suggested—required—20%, but as a tiny victory you give the waiter your wrinkled crap dollar while pandering, “everything was great”.

But as tiny victories go, they last only a short while and they usually end up screwing you worse in the end. Such was the case when I tried to put my money into the Sunset/Vermont ticket machine. Now everyone knows that the ticket machines, though a million times better than the old ones from before ‘06, are still pretty annoying and can be quite feisty with your change and billage. But steadfast, I put my first portrait of Washington in with ease and the ol’ general was looking good as he went on in. Only $.25 left and onto the second dollar bill, which I tried to flatten historic with into the metal for sometime before inserting. However, the machine rejected Father of America and again and again I cursed Metro for making the acquisition of a monthly pass so damn hard.

After swearing through my teeth at a stagnant screen for some two minutes and hearing what turned out to be my train go screaming off into the underworld, the machine finally accepted my fare. That it is to say, accepted it with a little extra service fee. A little extra, wink wink, a little extra, go screw yourself cuz this boi’z wrinkled, a little extra, charging another $.25 cents.

I stepped away confused at first but following a long episode of self doubt where I questioned my ability to conduct a simple first grade math equation without pencil and paper I finally came to the conclusion that I had just gotten screwed. Granted it was only $.25 but at the depth of it all, I was still losing out. I looked inside the change tray one last time to no avail and gave up. The machine had won and I had been broken. And as many men do upon final defeat on the battlefield, my eyes opened wider than my rage could have ever expressed and I realized the genius of it all. With age comes wisdom, I thought and with rage comes the keen sensibility that getting screwed by a mostly government funded organization isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Not only did I not feel as gypped as before, I was blown away as to the genius of it all. In that, the simplest form of raising money for Metro’s fiscal failings is through petty thievery.

I continued on down to the platform thinking it all over. I had just lost $.25 and though annoyed for about a minute I didn’t really care. There was nothing to be done about it and even if there were, even if there was some useless online form to fill out or number to call, I had absolutely no intention of doing it. And the more I realized it the simpler it became. Have every machine randomly take $.25 from transactions throughout the day throughout the system. And if $.25 becomes too risky make it a dime or fifteen cents. Transfer all the extra charges into a secret high interest savings account and in five years Metro would have enough funds to start the subway to the sea and from there who knows. Green line up Lincoln? A light rail down the 405? The possibilities through thievery are truly endless. All our dreams could come true one stolen dime at a time.

Ooooooor, we can go about it the old fashioned way by letting Sacramento steal from both us and Metro and never see a subway or a road without entire lanes crumbling in our lifetime.

Vote YES on 91.